Decided to give you a 2:4:1 post, two different days, same topic. Part of me hates this because I feel like all I do is complain. But at the same time this has become a space where I can vent to. I can explain the worst of the worst of this condition, when I find it so hard to tell those close to me. I’ve always been someone who has put their emotions into writing. I usually do it with stories but I suppose this makes sense also. I hope you’re all well! I keep intending to do some factual pages and fingers crossed I can do them in the week! For now, stay safe, keep fighting for your voice to be heard and be kind, you never know what someone’s going through.
10/12/21
Go swimming they said. It will help, they said. I was really proud of myself! I managed to swim for 20minutes (pacing between laps and had a breather between every one). My fiancé went with me and kept an eye on me. I expected the pain. I can handle the pain. But it’s currently 21:30 and I’ve just got out the bath. Unable to wash my hair (thankfully my fiancé has offered to do it tomorrow). I feel like I have been awake for 5 whole days. I can feel the tremors are close.
I feel like I’ve just undone everything the past few weeks has done. I’ve also realised I need to go in next week at some point! My arms were sore after and I’m sure I’m going to be feeling it tomorrow but I’m so proud of myself! I ended up taking my blood pressure at the end and it was higher than normal, but since I’ve rested most of the week that’s to be expected, my level of exercise/activity has dropped and that will cause it to rise. It was still within range and I decided I wasn’t worried about it. The only reason I even take it was after I had a suspected blood clot earlier in the year. It took me forever to get to sleep but I finally did.
11/12/2021
I woke up and my bladder forced me to the bathroom, so while I was there I fed my adorable kitty, Loki. I waited for my fiancé to leave for work before I struggled up the stairs. I didn’t want him to see me struggling. My arms, legs and abdominal muscles all ached, but at a level that was expected and dare I say it: normal. What wasn’t normal and was my fibromyalgia (also why I struggled with the stairs) was the shooting pain down my left leg, from my thigh to my calf. It took me over an hour to fall back to sleep, my head going a thousand miles an hour. But eventually I did, only to wake up at 10:30am. This is unusual for me, I slept nearly 10hours. I’d woken up about 5 times in the night but that’s normal. I’d actually woken up 2hrs after going to sleep. This irritated me because usually my valerian root and chamomile tea helped me sleep, for the first few hours. I eventually stumbled down the stairs and determined to do something today, I got in the shower as to not be in too much pain. Rubbing the soap on my body hurt my arms so, for the most part, I focused on staying stood up. Afterwards I threw on some comfy joggers, thermal socks and a fluffy cropped hoodie. I had a headache despite drinking nearly a 1L of water. I decided since I didn’t want to look at a screen and was being irritated by how many partly finished books I had, that I would spend the day on the sofa under a blanket reading. So, that’s what I did. Sort of. I was both tired and awake. My headache getting worse when I focus on anything for too long but too awake to fall asleep. My entire body was screaming for sleep. So I read my books until about 4pm when my brain couldn’t handle it anymore and turned on the TV. Honestly? I got worse as the day went on. I had a few wins though. I finished one of my books! I managed to pull off the sheets off my bed and put them in the washing machine! I did the dishwasher (which admittedly was only half full) and washed my hair! My fiancé realised how bad I was though when he’d got home and I was struggling to sit up straight, instead my body demanded we stayed as a ball on the sofa. To the point that he made me dinner without me even asking. I explained to him that I’d rather he dried my hair than washed it. As it’s easier to wash in the bath and I struggle with drying my hair immensely. He said that was fine and did fry my hair for me. I couldn’t put the duvet sheet on the duvet. It hurts my arms too much without the added exercise, I’ve always struggled with them. I am currently in bed too tired to sleep (logic? Right?) so I thought I would share this with you. I had some small wins today, even if I could barely move from the sofa. honestly though? They took me hours. I couldn’t make an independent trip up and down the stairs for the sheets. I only did it when I needed something from upstairs. The dishwasher? I did say down. My hair? I washed lying down in the bath. But they’re still things I managed to do. I couldn’t even find the energy to prepare any food today. My breakfast was overnight oats I’d put in the fridge for myself. My lunch was a sausage roll I had cooked for my fiancé that he had t had abs an apple. My fiancé made me dinner and I haven’t had the energy for a single hot drink. Hopefully I fall asleep soon. I’m meant to be going out tomorrow afternoon. I can only hope that I’m well enough.
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