So, on the 26th October, I got a phone call! I GOT THE JOB! As of the 27th November I will be starting my apprenticeship in education and training whilst being a function skills tutor! It’s only 4hrs more a week, but it’s working from home!! I was in shock! I’m also really scared, because it’s so different to what I’m used to! But it means I can focus on me. I always wanted to be a teacher and I know I can do it, I’m a little bit nervous about the subject but I’m sure that I will be fine. I’d mentioned my fibromyalgia in all of my interviews and applications and honestly? I thought that this one would be like all the others. Because there were jobs where I’d had the interview and was well qualified (such as customer service) and I’m around 90% sure they only did the interview because it was in their policy that everyone with a disability was guaranteed an interview. Although this interview was lovely and I really really wanted the job (and I got on with the interviewers from what I could tell) at that point I had honestly expected to be told along the lines of “thanks, but no thanks” just like all the others. So I was in shock! We all went out for a family meal at the Corn exchange down the road, and honestly? I was EXHAUSTED and I even told my partner I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. He promised we would come right home if I couldn’t but because they wanted to celebrate me, that I should go just for myself and because he knew seeing everyone would cheer me up. I’d had a phone call with my nan (to tell her the good news) and to be honest, I’d come out the call a-bit frazzled because she’s having issues with her joints etc and her arthritis is getting worse. I lived with my grandparents from the age of 3 to 18 and I wasn’t the easiest child, my leg cramps had me screaming in pain for as long as I could remember. I was the kid who was susceptible to illness due to a heart condition and pneumonia as a baby: that was determined to be covered head to toe in mud and would stay in the ocean until my lips turned blue. But the thought of them being out there getting ill without me was terrifying.
It also reminded me why I wanted this job, I haven’t seen them in three years and with never knowing when a resident from hospital will test positive, I couldn’t risk going over or afford to! So we went out and we had an amazing laugh, and thankfully due to it being a weekday everyone wanted to get home early.
After we got home, my partner proposed!! It’s safe to say we both lay there cuddling each other as anxious messes for a good half an hour (me because of the rollercoaster day, him because I kept trying to say yes and it wasn’t coming out of my mouth, the poor thing!!). So not long after I handed my notice in at the care home, my anxiety (and a little bit of self doubt) convinced me the sensible thing would be to stay on as Bank, so I have. I only have to do one shift every 3 months to stay on so the odd weekend here and there I don’t mind working.
It’s now coming up to the 27th of November and I’m nervous!! But honestly? My new manager has only shown how supportive they are and how they’re happy to be flexible around my condition. Working from home for flexible hours will hopefully allow me to put my energy into things that I enjoy. Care can be incredibly rewarding, but I find that doing it full time, I loose my self to the role. Not just that my workplace has become extremely toxic, and I can feel the joy of care going, and I never want to loose that. I don’t feel like I am giving the best of myself and the best possible care that I can give. Whilst I’m struggling to keep my flares under control and learning about my body and my condition. If I could afford to stay (like my GP wants me to) to do part-time I would, but I can’t. Maybe by leaving and doing bank I can find that joy again? I’ve seen glimpses of it recently and it only makes the darkness worse because that place used to shine as bright as the sun, it used to be the most happy place in the UK, and now it’s not. I hope it comes back, because it needs to. Care needs to go back to being about caring about the person, not the paper work, not ticking public health boxes, about the people we are caring for and what they want from it. The joy that they can experience and the joy that carers can provide.
Comments